DBA Cat in the Hat
My Mother used to write poems and rhymes. She had so much fun at it that we kids used to have the most elaborate rhyming clues to finding Easter treats and small toys each year, Easter started to get a little out of hand just so my Mom could practice her poetic skills, (not that we kids minded! :))
I thought I would have some fun with rhyming, but I think I’m closer to Cat in the Hat than Keats or Byron…
If there were no developers, I would be so bored,
Just ask them, they say DBA’s appreciate battles and discord!
The database when first built, it hummed happily and purred right along
but then the code arrived and the beginning game of database ping-pong.
I recommend, “tread lightly, calculate efficiently and fast”
The developer says “No problem, but did I forget to tell you 200 GB of TEMP is needed to last?”
I look very cross and throw darts at the pictures up on my cube wall
but the developers just say, “Don’t blame me, it was management’s call!”
They ask me again and again, why is Oracle so, so slow?
I look at the explain plan and and say, “You hinted nested loops, oh no!”
Did you calculate stats? What method option did you use?
They reply, “Oracle needs stats before it decides to choose?
The developer emails me later on and says, the query is about to tank.
I run a tkprof and sigh aloud after seeing what its doing with dense_rank.
I look at the latest ADDM and the question poses on my face,
the developer assures me that many parallel slaves are required at this pace.
I show the developer the PX waits and lecture about the resource allocation
the developer just sees the memory left for the OS and thinks, four more simultaneous executions!
I would lock out the accounts and change permissions on everything
but lets be honest- I’d be bored out of my mind and asking them to do something!