Tall Poppies and Bullies
“Kellyn, how is it you always find the bullies/narcissists if there are just a few bad apples?”
I was asked this question this last weekend at an event, and I’ve often wondered what it is about me that drives some individuals, particularly workplace bullies and narcissists, to implode shortly after working with me. It’s a great question, so let’s dive into it—
We often think of bad apples as rare, but it’s really about percentages, personalities, and work culture. Encountering a bully, or even a narcissist, is something I expect at least once every one to two years. How I handle the situation depends on how often I interact with the individual. If it’s infrequent, I might ignore their issues. However, if it’s more frequent, I may need to decide if the company’s environment is worth the headache. What is it about the combination of my personality and bullies that creates this problem?
Tall Poppies
As a tall poppy, I’m a woman who is confident in my abilities and aware of my flaws, actively working to minimize their impact without denying their existence. This can unsettle bullies and often escalates their destructive behavior. While I may appear outgoing to many, I’m often described as intimidating. Over the years, as I’ve mentored numerous women in tech, I’ve noticed that those described as intimidating are usually the most capable and confident, and they consistently face the biggest challenges with bullies. It surprises me how often “intimidating” is used to describe ambitious, confident, or capable women, as if it’s meant to downplay their strengths. I must be honest, the term “intimidating” is deserving of a blog all to itself and we need to get back to the topic at hand.
When a bully starts to escalate their behavior with me, I can be a bit oblivious and only realize it after it’s too late. Initially, I might seem like a good target for the bully because I take time to observe people’s behavior and I’m rarely reactive. However, this tendency often unnerves bullies even more. When their negative behavior escalates, it can be quite bizarre to watch, and they often make significant mistakes, even if they’ve been careful before.
I naturally switch to a strategic, protective mode, navigating around the traps they set, which frustrates them further. Once I do this, I pivot out of their way and let them create their own downfall. Unfortunately, this process can be painful for everyone involved, including innocent bystanders, until the situation reaches a climax, often resulting in the bully leaving the company. If the bully is higher up in the hierarchy or if I report to them, I will quietly and strategically find employment elsewhere.
I’m not the first to experience this, as I’ve mentored many through these types of situations, and I won’t be the last. I’ve spoken to over 100 women in tech who have described similar experiences, and I’ve seen many women leave the tech industry due to bullying. This is part of the reason I share my own challenges now as there is some solace to knowing this confusing situation is a well-known, albeit little discussed phenomena and the numbers kind of explain why.
The Data
According to the United States Workforce website, there are currently 167 million people in the workforce. Women comprise 56.2% of the labor force, but in tech, they represent only about 23%. This means the tech industry has significantly more men than women. Bullies target women 60% of the time, and in a male-dominated field like tech, the smaller number of women makes them more frequent targets.
Per research from 2022 Workplace Bully research, workplace bullies are 68% male, 32% female and make up about 2-4% of the overall workforce. That means there are at least 3.4 million bullies at a minimum in the US.
In a male-dominated industry like tech, male bullies are more common than female ones. Given the data, this means I’m more likely to encounter male bullies. With approximately 2 million potential bullies in and interacting with the industry, the prevalence of male bullies and the smaller number of women make it a question of when and how often, not if.
With around 2 million bullies, the impact on revenue, morale, and talent retention is significant. For frequent targets, it’s a hurdle to staying with a company, so we navigate it as best we can and leave when it becomes unhealthy.
Change it Up
Finally, there are times when my bully implosion skills are used as an agent for change. Without warning, I may be left alone with the bully in hopes that:
- The bully creates an HR-actionable situation, leading to their departure.
- I give the bully enough rope to tighten their own noose, and they leave when they realize they’re in a no-win position.
I have the belief that I should always leave a company better than whence I came, so although some might take offence to being put in this position, I rarely take it professionally or personally, and more likely find satisfaction for those individuals who no longer will be impacted by the workplace bully.
As the data shows, even though the bad apples are only 2-4% of the workforce, when you’re working with 100’s of people each week, you must accept that there’s a bad apple in most barrels. Armed with this knowledge, you simply prepare yourself for strategic and positive outcomes, how to provide value to the business and how to limit interaction with bullies whenever possible.
